All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
