My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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