Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Randomize
