Need sex. Gaining weight.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
