i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
