I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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