How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
