So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
