btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I need water and some morals
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
