I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
