I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
