I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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