I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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