The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
