You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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