cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
