I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
