just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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