my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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