Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
