Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ketchup is God's man juice
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize
