Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
