I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
