I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
