I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
