just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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