god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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