And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
