why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
