Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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