dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
