So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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