dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
