clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
