i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
