stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
