Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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