So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
