I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
