woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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