3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
