I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
