I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
