the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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