I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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