Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
