you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
