So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
