im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
