are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
