"it" just moved
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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